Thursday, March 31, 2011

Kegasus Wins Out Over Some Big Names; And I Have Them

Kegasus, the half horse, half slightly chubby man was announced as the new mascot of the Pimlico Infield Monday. Call me crazy-sus, but it seems Pimlico might be going after the under 30 beer-drinking crowd with this one. Time will tell if this is a good move, or a bad one.

As you all know, I like to break huge secret news on the blog and I will again this morning. I have spoken with some of my chipmunk spies who have access to the high offices at Pimlico. They tell me that although Kegasus won out, it was a wild battle because there were other candidates.

Here - and only here - are the super-secret nixed infield mascot candidates. Take that Bloodhorse.
  • Frankstronosaurus - Half man, and half a can of energy drink. The big draw here was that if any infielder can chug a 12 pack of the drink, hit a Pimlico Slider, and a quadruple quadrefecta, he wins 8 trillion dollars.
  • TeranaDutrowrex - Half man, half horse trainer. This one might have been a hit because if you are taking part in the bottomless beer mug infield fest and get flagged with 64 drinking violations, you get to keep drinking. 
  • Bob Evansus - Two thirds man, one third machine. Special deal: If you bet $28,000 on the machine-part on Preakness Day, you will receive enough points for a toaster. 
  • CHRB-Adactyl - Eight ninth's man, one ninth woman. The $20 bottomless beer mug will now cost $22.68, and there will be hijinx-a-plenty watching the beast wander aimlessly through the infield wondering why attendance is down.
  • DRF-O-Raptor - A beast which is two thirds from New York, with the other third from New York. Big draw: Every infield patron gets a completely free "Blame, 2010 Horse of the Year" tee shirt. 
  • Vet-terotops -  This is half equine vet, half accountant. The bigwigs nixed this one early because they found out the $20 bottomless cup was changed by this beast, by adding beer-cup dispensing fees and a 750% markup on pretzels.
  • Betfairdemonraptor - This odd animal with an English roar will try and serve the younger infield customers by taking bets during the running of the race, causing it to be attacked by both Bob Evansus and Frankstronosaurus in a jurassic grudge match for the ages. It was nixed due to the fear that horse racing patrons might actually have a good time.
I can not be 100% sure the above were all considered, but that's what I hear down the peanut vine. After reading it, I think the dude with the set of fetlocks and a spare-tire was probably a good choice.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

NewYorkus Cenaturdus - a now extinct form of Democratic politician that lived in a corrupt casino fairyland where under the table deals and hip hop cred would get you anything you wanted. This creature has now been exposed for what it really is - a horse's ass.

Anonymous said...

New york tried to send an entry for consideration but it got stuck in political red tape.