Thursday, January 19, 2012

Let's Do Some Lobbying & Save Horse Racing!

Horse racing has lost its way. Sure we have slots, but slots are only a band-aid. We need more to save horse racing, and I have a solution. This is big.

The Presidential elections are upon us, and this fall, the US will be voting in a new dude, or sticking with the old dude. What happens in Washington is pretty interesting. Generally, when you look at who gives cash to whom, the decisions made at the top level tends to fall right into line. If you want to run the World Bank, make sure your school is number three on the list. If you want to stop the Internet Piracy Act, make sure you're an Internet company that's at least in the top ten.

It doesn't really matter if you're business is poor, your product sucks, or even if it doesn't make any sense. The Solyndra thing was probably poo-pooed as unrealistic by a seventh grade science fair winner in Duluth, Minnesota. It still got some nice cash.

It's time for horse racing to join the fray. Enough is enough. We need to buy some power.

My plan is simple: Let's take 3% out of purses, which is about $30 million, and sign it all over to Mitt Romney.  Why him? Well, horse owners tend to be loaded, so let's go with the capitalist. He also doesn't take cash from every Tom, Dick and Harry, so we're a nice change for him. Why answer only to bankers when he can answer to us? Let's forget for a moment he drove across Michigan with a dog on the roof of his car; he gets the cash.

That $30 million vaults us up the donor list - right to the top.

Currently if I give Mitt Romney a call I will get dead air.

"Hi, this is Pull the Pocket calling for Mitt"

"Who"

"Pull the Pocket, I have a horse racing blog"

"Bzzzzzzz"

Now, after 30 cool million has been deposited in his account, it's different.

"Hi, this is Pull the Pocket calling for Mitt"

"Who?"

"Pull the Pocket, I have a horse racing blog"

"Mumble, mumble..... horse racing..... mumble......"

"Hi, this is Mitt Romney, what can I do for you Mr. Pocket?"

Bingo!

That's for just me. Just think if someone important calls, like Mike Battaglia.

Here are a few things we'll see after we sign this check.
  •  New legislation mysteriously pops up that demands Beyer Speed Figures are to be printed on Captain Crunch cereal boxes.
  • The winner of the National Handicapping Championship will get invited to the White House and give handicapping tips to Bono.
  • Witholding tax on winnings? Poof! What withholding tax?
  • Quickly, and with little fanfare, a little something will be added to a Farm Bill, whereby horse owners can deduct 300% of their losses off their taxes. Where am I going, Disneyworld? No way baby - the Keeneland Sale, right before I go to Harrisburg.
  • The new White House twin cats will be named "Sunday" and "Silence"
  • Rapid Redux will be invited to the White House for a special Medal of Honor.
  • If someone at NYRA screws up, and the New York State Wagering Board wants to get them fired for it, they'll get a little phone call from our new friend Mitt.
  • There are now four people invited to the gaming summit on Capitol Hill: Steve Wynn and Donald Trump, as usual, with their new pals Mark & Nancy from Mountaineer.
  • Retired racehorse pony rides at Camp David!
  • New contract for air traffic control will be awarded to Trakus.
  • There's a new entry on Andy's California email blast list: Mitt@President.com.
  • Instead of filibustering, the Congress will have to partake in a big, kick-ass handicapping contest.
  • Tax breaks for new tech workers! NYRA, for free, can hire someone to finally type in scratches and changes into Equibase on time.
  • Frank Stronach will become an honorary American.
  • Mitt writes all internal cabinet memos in caps, paying respect to his new pal JERRY JAM
  • The Eclipse and Dan Patch Awards will be televised on CSPAN.
  • Derby Day will become a national holiday. Drinking laws suspended so everyone over 16 can drink Mint Juleps. For Little Brown Jug day, every hour is happy hour.
  • The First Family will all possess signed stuffed dolls of Kegasus that they proudly display for visiting dignitaries.
  • Bob Evans will no longer be considered only a restaurant
As you can see the possibilities are endless.

And it's all for the low price of $30 million, or 3% of purses.

Let's save horse racing! Who's with me?

5 comments:

Pacingguy said...

I like the idea and the outcome, but you are making an assumption who is going to win.

In the United States, to be a true lobbyist, you give to both sides; no sense betting on the wrong horse.

And don't try to dump Frank Stonarch on America; he's one of yours.

Anonymous said...

It's brilliant! Why not look beyond the blinkers, turn new corners without the limitations of a neck pole, and take those damn shadow rolls off so we can see the future and not fear it! Why do we always have to be so restricted with our thought process??

PTP for president!! Um, ok, maybe not president, but as a promoter for change!! :)

SG

Nomorebobbleheads said...

Our industry has spent over $30 million on takeout hikes, bobblehead giveaways & food trucks..... 30 large to Washington can't hurt lol.

Anonymous said...

And as an added bonus: Dead air on all HPiTV programs will be replaced by endless, jolly banter of the days card, including, but not limited to: Pedigrees, handicapping choices with full-blown explanations, promo events, DNF's and WHY, and a reminder of all of PTP's upcoming changes listed on the main blogpost via a continuous live stream scroll bar! :)

SG

Anonymous said...

...... The return on investment on the 30 million would be better than anything racing is currently doing.......