Upcoming European Op-Ed Piece Will Anger American Horse Racing

I opened my inbox today and I found something pretty shocking.  It appears an unnamed European horse racing executive, or participant (the details are sketchy at this early stage), has written an op-ed about American-European horse racing relations to be released in a top American newspaper. This was uncovered by the dogged work of a man or woman only known as "Cub Reporter". This appears to be a first draft, so when it is released it might look much different.

Cub asked me to not publish this - just to let it play - or I quote "I'll go Snowden on your ass". Since I don't know what that means (I rarely follow the news) and I already cut and pasted it below, I'm going to let it fly.

A Plea For Caution, by an unnamed source

Good day American Dirt Cowboys. I come to speak to you with honor and deep respect.

Horse racing in Europe and horse racing in America have had a long history. We have had such stars as Frankel grace our racetracks, and you have lots of horses who go really fast and then get tired, like the ones who race four and a half furlongs at Charles Town. We share, well we share not much really, but we do share horses that have four legs, most of which are brown or bay. 

Since we're both (kind of) in horse racing, I'd like to set you straight, offer up some suggestions to help you get through the trouble you are having.

First, you must get rid of lasix. You must do what we do: that is, treat the horse with a lot of other things to help them not bleed, and tell everyone we don't use anything. This allows us to make fun of you, so it is a good policy. If you eliminate lasix, you too can make fun of places that use it, like China. I am unsure if there are any racetracks in China, but if there are, I am willing to bet my salary (after my 82% tax rate, not the gross salary) that the Chinese are using lasix. Join us and let's band together against the Chinese.

Second, you must get rid of dirt racetracks. Dirt is dirty and it's unsafe. I read the New York Times ,and they said so, and I know how everyone follows the New York Times in America. Well everyone except people in all those states no one lives in. Regardless, this must be done and this policy must not be mangled. There will be pushback. The Daily Racing Form won't like it. The speed figure makers are going to revolt. But you must stand strong.

Third, we do not use steroids so

Third, we'd like you to change the Breeders Cup. We'd like eight races, seven on turf and one at 3 miles on polytrack, tapeta or cushion, possibly over barriers. If you do this, we might even bring Frankel out of retirement and race him. We also might arrange that top boy band "One Direction" plays the Grey Goose party. The Breeders Cup is too long anyway, so this is probably what you Americans call a "no brainer". The World is asking you to do this. You must listen, like all countries do with the UN.

Fourth, we think having two horse racing television stations is no good for the sport, and we think you should consolidate them into one, like we do with "Sky Sports". When I was in America the last time, I watched HRTV at midnight and all they had on was some sort of something you call "Rodeo". This won't fly over here because we are very cultured.

Fifth, and we ask this as a personal favor, please take back Frank Stronach. He's been here all summer and it's starting to wear on us. 

In conclusion, I heard that cowboy-hatted fellow Larry Jones the other day say that American horse racing is "great". It is extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as great, whatever the motivation. We ask that you, American horsepeople, think of yourselves as okay, but flawed; a work in progress, much like your young country is. This will allow you to grow and evolve, so that one day you can write an op-ed piece like this to another horse racing country that needs help. Good luck, and God bless you.