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2014 Nightmare Kentucky Derby Scenarios

We’re getting close to Derby day and as we all know, horse racing is under siege. Not really (that is quite melodramatic), but we can say with some certainty that things are not going overly well.

Let's recap. Those PETA people are mad, Joe Drape is writing columns, people with three names from the Jockey Club have been releasing memos, Churchill raised the takeout on long suffering customers, (along with twitter blowing up over their published 2013 executives compensation) and of course, the granddaddy of them all: Frank Stronach is building a pharmacy.

Horse racing doesn’t need any more bad press, and everyone is wary. Worried. On edge.

Here are a few Nightmare Derby Scenarios that I figure horse racing cannot handle. If any of these things do occur, it could mean trouble. For the love of horse racing, let's hope none of them come true friends.


  • PETA gets an early release of the bloodwork for Derby horses and protests on the Churchill grounds asking racing to rid itself of the drug “carotene”
  • A disgruntled horseplayer hikes the tote board and spray paints the Twinspires ad, changing it from “Where Players Win” to “Where Players Win Less”
  • Tapiture wins, and television analysts surmise the groom leading the horse to the winners circle is Scott Blasi in disguise. This is confirmed when the NBC mic picks up, “way to go Steve you glorious motherf*&@(&.“
  • The very popular Gusto the Greek’s infield food truck is actually a front to sign up customers to TimeformUS
  • Customers scatter as a fox or something is loose in the infield preying on customers, but upon closer inspection it's actually just a Churchill Downs executive looking for money
  • The crack security team fails to block Joe Drape at the entrance

  • Kegasus shows up dressed as the “Takeout Hog”
  • The “Where Your Takeout Goes” power point presentation on the big screen showing Churchill CEO Bob Evans shopping for a chalet in Aspen doesn’t go over exactly as planned
  •  “Ladies and Gentlemen, The Steve Asmussen Derby-Oaks Double Pays.....”
  • Tom Hammond finds out twitter has been blocked and asks a Churchill Downs exec if “this is a racetrack in Turkey”. The executive responds "no, tracks in Turkey have more reasonable concession prices."
  • Duracell reps are seen in the jocks room, trolling for sponsorships
  • The Web stall cams, installed to monitor the backstretch due to PETA concerns, captures a Churchill Downs manager walking the backstretch firing staff, while dressed in a black hoodie, carrying a sickle
  • The guy running the big screen misses the memo and runs the "Welcome to the Hall of Fame Steve" congratulations message

  • The "Let's Talk Pricing Q & A" pits two world class economists representing HANA against a CDI exec. A riot erupts after the economists present high level econometrics and elasticity models to prove their case, while the CDI exec responds "Who looks at prices when they shop for things? I just buy them."
  • Bob Costas says “Holy Maquina, what a ride by Santana!”
  • The tote algorithm malfunctions and takeout is set at last year’s takeout rates. Angry Churchill Downs executives arm security personnel with tip jars to shake down customers for extra money while they are leaving the venue
Ray Paulick (L), Kevin Bacon (R)
  • Ray Paulick and Kevin Bacon meet on the red carpet and this causes a break in the space time continuum. The exact same thing happened the year Mine That Bird won
  • A Churchill Downs executive arrives late to the “Mansion” after getting accidentally locked in his fully loaded 2015 Range Rover, and finds out that the kitchen ran out of imported Ecuadorian shrimp
TVG's Todd Schrupp
  • Kentucky Downs President Corey Johnsen is arrested after giving a seminar called “How We Gained Handle and Revenue by Being Customer Friendly” on Churchill Downs property
  • The CDI Tracknet boys set up a table to sign up tracks, but player friendly track representatives pepper them with Bob Evans sausage patties until they retreat back to the Mansion. Horseplayers cheer and jeer, and to try and quash the uprising, the suits upstairs hike takeout another point
  • Todd Schrupp gets by the main gate by telling them he’s Ed Helms from the Hangover, and broadcasts the Derby clandestinely for TVG
  • The seminar "How We Keep and Cultivate Bettors at Churchill" attracts only three people: The guy who runs the overhead projector and two patrons looking for a restroom.
  • Prolific tweeter Derek Brown gets into Churchill Downs – with a Bloodhorse press pass
  • CBS’s Undercover Boss shows up to film a CDI executive undercover at the Derby, but has to stop production due to lack of feel-good content
  • The general public gets word about the takeout hike, and no one shows up........... ah, that’s not going to happen, and seeing I’m a customer first who wants the sport to grow, and horse owner and everything else second, I would not consider it a bad thing if it did.

Have a great day everyone.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Thank you for the hilarious synopsis. The pictures painted make for great laughs. We need those laughs. Hopefully the insane direction being imposed on bettors by CDI will boomerang and hurt CDI's stock price as soon as possible. Maybe then they'll relent.

By the way, your reference to "tip jars","Duracell reps" and "infield fox" was masterful.