I've had this blog for over 14 years. There are 3,000 plus posts. I don't think any of them have reached the fevered interest that my exclusive sneak peeks of the ITP-Joyce Buddy Movie have the past month. Well, maybe one or two of my Derby Top Ten Lists because no one does those other than me, but other than that, nothing close.
I'm proud to present the final scene, thankfully allowed in its entirety by the crack script writers of <Movie Yet Not Named>.
When we left the preeminent pair they were summoned by Frank Stronach and were given a task - find Ashley Mailloux, and learn about Elite Turf Club so Frank can use it as ammo to take Magna back from Belinda. We also learned in a Shamalayan twist that ITP was Ashley's brother. No one saw that one coming.
Now, hold your breath, here we go. The conclusion.
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| Not ITP and Joyce, these are actors |
They surveilled the building from afar and scanned the door. Our intrepid two didn't recognize anyone, not even the rumoured Australians, and decided to make their way to paydirt.
"We get in, we get Ashley, we uncover what Frank needs to take back Magna from Belinda and we're gone, right?" ITP directed Joyce.
His sister Ashley.
Right then the torches burned brighter, timpanis boomed and everyone fell to their knees. Our terrific trifecta followed suit, as a train of Elite Turf Club henchmen entered with a palanquin.
"Right, but they might have a good spread and I'm peckish," said Mike.
"Let's just go," replied an annoyed ITP.
They found the door (labelled) and knocked. A shadowy face opened a small slit.
"Pass phrase", the voice commanded.
"Low takeout for me, not for thee", said ITP.
The door opened. The dim figure motioned our perfect perfecta towards gear laid out to them, which consisted of hooded brown capes and what looked like some sort of staff.
"I haven't seen you before. Who are you?" asked the figure.
"We're new! We're Elite 31!" Joyce said, as per Frank Stronach's instructions.
"No who are you, you look familar. Are you from the media?", the increasingly agitated Elite Turf Club henchman asked.
"No, I am part of McBaffert's Team 31. I do pedigrees. My name is, um, Sid Fernando", Joyce stammered, leaning on the only pedigree guy he ever heard of.
"I think I've met him before, are you sure?", questioned the skeptical henchman.
"I am him..... I have thousands of horse sex videos on my phone. Want to see, look!" interjected Joyce holding up his Blackberry.
"Carry on," said the doorman, clearly not wanting to watch hours of copulating colts.
The dream team entered and surveyed the situation. The warehouse was dim, only lit by tiki torches, and people were milling about in groups which appeared to be the Computer Teams. Everyone wore the brown robes and not one person showed their face. They all appeared to be waiting for something, or someone.
"I'm going to look for Ashley," said ITP. "Stay out of trouble."
"It looks like team three has cocktail weiners. I'll snack", said Mike.
ITP moved through the warehouse seeing nothing, but suddenly he heard a sound, opened a door and there she was, tied up in the corner.
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| ITP's sister, but at the track, not kidnapped |
ITP removed the ropes and they hugged, like only a siblings can.
"What's going on? Why were you kidnapped?" big bro asked.
"I came here for Mr. Stronach," replied the western New York native.
"I was suddenly brought into a room and was told in no uncertain terms by the leader of the teams that I had to stop constructing tickets the way I did."
"The way I showed you?" asked ITP.
"Yes. They said I was making horseplayers better and they hate that. They told me if I started giving 4 by 4 by 4 by 4 pick fours with the first through 4th choices they'd let me go. They imprisoned me up here and told me to ponder my fate. I am so glad you're here!"
"Bastages", said a visibly upset ITP. "Who was the leader, was it Scott Daruty?"
"Yes, he did all the talking, but something tells me he's not really in charge. He seemed to be taking orders from someone higher", reported Mailloux.
"Let's get you out here, but we have to find Mike Joyce first." said ITP.
"Mike Joyce? I thought you guys were at each others throats on that twitter spaces where every second word was f......"
"Quiet, you know how mom feels when we use that language," interrupted ITP.
"Mike isn't near as bad as I thought. We're on a buddy trip. But the jury is still out", added Ashley's big brother.
The two made it back to Mike, who was at the team 14 table where the Aussies were grilling shrimp.
"High rebates mean good food," said Mike, who quickly noticed ITP had suceeded.
"Ashley! Boom!" said Mike. "High five ITP", which ITP refused. "Let's just get out of here Mike," he said.
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| Stock picture |
"Daruty must be in that mofo," said Joyce.
"I can't see who it is, but Daruty is at the head table waiting for whomever is inside." said a crack Ashley.
"Who the hell is running this pop stand then?" asked ITP.
"It's the man who gives the rebates," said the woman beside Joyce, who was wearing an "Elite 11" name patch. "We bow to him, then he hands out this week's prices. We're hoping for 22% back on Mountaineer tris. We're killing it there lately."
Then the man stepped off his chariot, walked on the stage, "All hail, all hail!" the teams chanted.
He removed the robe covering his head.
ITP looked confused. Ashley's jaw dropped. Mike spit out the Italian sausage he got from team 16's snack table.
The man - the man behind the Elite Turf Club, the rebates, the everything - was Pat Cummings.
"Jeezus!", ITP exclaimed. "All the Byk appearances, the blog pieces, the tweets, the freaking tweets! He was behind Elite Turf Club all the time. Let's go, we've got enough to report back to Frank and end this forever!"
"Arggggghhhhh!", Mike yelled to no one in particular, but loud enough to catch the attention of the main table and the eagle-eyed ring leader.
"I know you, you work for TVG" said Cummings,
"It's actually called Fanduel now," mumbled Mike.
"You should not be here!", Cummings continued. "Elite 8, bar the rear entrance! Elite 4, disperse! Elite 20, to the front door! Elite 9, take that hamburger from Joyce!"
Our horseplayer triple threat found themselves triple trapped.
"Guys, in the corner of the kitchen there's a secret door. No one is watching it, we can escape there," directed ITP.
The hopeful trio ran to the kitchen; a crafty Ashley barred the door.
"Here, help me move these cases of Frank's Energy Drink", ITP pleaded.
The cases were moved and sure enough, just as ITP said, there was a trap door.
"Frank whispered to me before leaving the office today - if you're in trouble tonight look for my Energy Drink, it will lead you to safety," said ITP.
"God bless Frank!" said Mike.
The terrific trifecta replaced the energy drink, entered the tunnel system and came out on a hill well beyond the Teams' Lair.
"We made it. We have enough information to return Magna to Frank!" said Mike.
"And he promised rebates for all, not just the chosen few, which will help horse racing, the sport we all love" said ITP.
"We saved racing. We've levelled the playing field. And I won't have to give ABCD tickets out on track feeds!" said Ashley.
"It's a great day," said Mike.
There's a little more, and you'll be happy to know we at the PTP blog have a whole team with CGI capabilities and movie making skills. This is a mock up of the ending exclusively for PTP Blog Readers.
"Why don't you just admit it, you two work well together". We could not agree more Ashley.
I'd like to thank everyone for reading this movie script given to me in confidence. I hope you pay $12.99 when it reaches theaters this fall.
The following are the closing credits.
Starring, in order of appearance
ITP - Himself
Mike Joyce - Dave Weaver
Andy Serling - Himself
Jason Beem - Himself
Todd Schrupp - Ed Helms
Chuck Simon - Pete Aiello
Frank Stronach - Himself
Ashley Mailloux - Teri Hatcher
Doorman/Henchman - Peter Lurie
Elite Turf Club Leader - Pat Cummings
Elite 11 Member - Kylie Minogue
Extras - America's Best Racing Brand Ambassadors
Key Grip - Alan Gobbi
Casting - Seabass
Vehicles - Gabe Prewitt/Hialeah Autobody and Gun Range
Legal - Clark Brewster
Betting Consultant - Tony Z
Assistant Director - Martin Scorcese
Director - Ray Cotolo
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