I got an email today from Cub Reporter with some hot news. I know that because he said so:
"PTP, I have some hot news," he wrote.
"Based on the success of America's Best Racing's strategy of increasing hat and alcohol purchases to grow the sport, racing has decided to hop onto the Christmas movie success train, popularized by Hallmark, Netflix and HULU," Cub typed.
"For 2020, Operation Racing Holiday Movie has been passed and all the big guns - Magna, NYRA, Woodbine, Keeneland, Mountaineer - are behind the project. I have a list of new movies that are in pre-production and I'll share them with you. But, once again I caution, they are super-secret so don't post them, " he said.
So, here's the list!
Christmas in Arcadia - Tim Ritvo (himself) is informed it might rain over Christmas, throwing the whole Santa Anita meet into chaos. Rather than installing something called an "all-weather surface", Tim summons Julie to fix the problem. She, along with hundreds of underpaid backstretch workers design a Christmas quilt that keeps the rain off the track, and the meet shatters handle records.
Holiday Hearts at Fair Grounds - In the Hallmark movie tradition of a high powered female executive heading home to find love over the holidays, Susan rolls back to Fair Grounds to run the track where she meets a handsome and scrappy track handicapper, played by Marcus Hersh. They fall in love, but CDI tries to nix the wedding because Marcus is employed by the DRF. Note - this project is not green-lighted yet as the producers feel a female racing executive might be too unbelievable for the general public.
Sid's Horse Sex Christmas - Pedigree guru Sid Fernando embarks on a journey to visit horse sex farms across the south over the holidays. In Arkansas, a freak snowstorm hits and his Harley breaks down. He walks for miles and comes across a community center, heading in for warmth. Unbeknownst to Sid, along with baked goods, the center is home to a Christmas #MAGA rally. When the rally leader (Peter Rotondo senior) gets fed a link to Sid's twitter feed, the tension is palpable. But in the end, both Sid and the #MAGA's learn the true meaning of Christmas.
Whip Me at Christmas - Andy Asaro (himself) is protesting against PETA outside Del Mar on Christmas eve. His pro-whip protest sign catches the eye of a dominatrix who happens to be passing by and they fall in love.
Beem Me Up Christmas - This film documents track announcer Jason Beem's trek across America over the holiday season. He wows everyone he meets, including Magna's Sal Sinatra (in a cameo). Sal offers Jason Beem the full time Pimlico and Laurel announcing job and he's thrilled, but CDI (played by the voice of James Earl Jones) won't let him out of his podcast contract.
ITP's Holiday Giveaway - Inside the Pylons (himself) finds he wants to give back during the holiday season. ITP invites kids from a local elementary school for a ticket construction session, led by him. After the session, the kids are tested and those who pass get a $500 credit voucher, while those who do not are sent home with no Christmas, teaching them an important lesson that will last them a lifetime.
Pat's Christmas Fantasy - Pat Cummings (himself) asks the Santa at the local mall for one wish - that he could be horse racing commissioner. It's granted, and he wakes up the next day with full power; the grand poobah. Pat immediately enacts Category One rules. After the first week of getting slammed mercilessly on twitter by Gate to Wire, he returns to the Santa and asks for his old job back.
Gabe's #Senditin Christmas - In this holiday tale, Gabe Prewitt's #senditin catch phrase is noticed by a New York executive (Acacia Courtney), and she offers Gabe a job at her big toy company over Christmas. The two young, unbelievably good looking people (well one of them) make a great pair and fall in love. However, the heartstrings pull Gabe to his only true love - Pompano Park. Gabe returns home, and in a Capraesque final scene, Gabe learns that no man is a failure who has Pompano.
Have a wonderful Christmas, and all the best in 2020.
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