Saturday, April 11, 2020

Cub Reporter Exclusive - Racetracks Spark Privacy Concerns

I knew something was up this morning. My encrypted hotmail account was flashing, and that could only mean one thing - Cub Reporter was trying to contact me.

"I have some disturbing news PTP," his prose growled. "No doubt you've read about Google and Apple people trackers, law enforcement taking photos of license plates at churches in Kentucky, and health passport cards. Well, so has horse racing. And they held an emergency meeting to float some ideas of their own".

"One person on the list gave me access to the highly secure Zoom feed and I got to sit in." Cub said proudly. "This is the time I usually say, 'don't publish this on that stupid blog because it's my scoop and it's secret' but this time the stakes are too high. Your four readers need to know about this."

Under Cub's direction, protected by a bunch of amendments to the US constitution, I publish his email in its entirety.


The following is a list of new initiatives floated by horse racing, to ensure handle is protected and everyone is rowing the boat in the same direction. Most, according to the participants, are easily achievable in the current environment.

TVG-Twinspires Shock App (submitted by the Thoroughbred Owners of California and the CHRB) - We tried geo-fencing and that didn't work too well, so we propose that each Twinspires and TVG app is equipped with an electrical shocker. If any customer tries to wager via the app within 150 miles of a racetrack, he or she gets electrocuted. Not killed electrocuted, but electrocuted so it hurts. Our CDI lawyers say it's permissible, and we think it could raise on-track revenue by 0.94%. Hopefully this gets people to bet into the track pools when anywhere near a track once and for all.

Six Degrees of ITP (unanimous support) - Anyone who currently follows Inside the Pylons on twitter, through six degrees, is automatically banned from racetracks. This will be enforced by facial recognition software created by Scott Daruty. Thank you Scott. This sport needs cheerleading to survive, and great ideas like this will help. ITP is a scourge with his downer talk about high takeout and Ron Turcotte parking spots. We think this can purge him forever.

Jackpot Bet Tax - Through a hidden takeout, customers will be paying this new tax when they make any bet. Many customers don't want to support 62% jackpot bets, and despite billions in slot and casino money, we all know we need these bets to survive. This will be done electronically so they won't know they're wagering into them. It's a brilliant idea, so thanks again Scott.

The NHC Purge, aka The Skiba Rule -  In response to people who complain on social media about funding and prize levels for the National Handicapping Championship it was proposed that anyone who wants to play has to sign a paper called "The NHC Doctrine". This is a pledge that no bad words are ever spoken about the NHC on any medium, even personal email (which by signing the doctrine you allow the authorities to view on a weekly basis). Anyone breaking the doctrine has to download the TVG/Twinspires shock app for punishment.

0 MTP Ruse -  It was proposed that racetracks trick customers by showing zero minutes to post on screens, when there is really 7 minutes to post. Almost everyone said this was a stupid idea so it was shelved.

The Lasix Spread Initiative -  Taking hopeful advantage of misinformation during the COVID crisis, a new rumour that horses who use lasix can spread EIPH by brushing against each other is being floated. The only hope to stop the disease is for lasix to be banned.  

Morning Calisthenics -  This was an idea about mandating horseplayers to exercise each morning because so many of them are out of shape, and this will help them live longer so they can keep paying 22% juice. It was all set to go, until someone pointed out this was once done by Hitler.

Have a great Saturday everyone.

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