This news assures a shake-up in programming at the huge ADW, especially when the upcoming breaking story is released that is sure to shake the foundations of horse racing: The new CEO of TVG is none other than yours truly, PTP.
How did I get the job without a degree from the Racetrack Industry Program? It's a question I have been asking myself since earlier today. For whatever reason, TVG went outside the box for this one.
Immediately I began to draft programming and technologically innovative plans. I will reprint the memo sent to my staff earlier today below.
I appreciate any and all feedback. And thanks in advance to all of you for your congratulations.
To: TVG staff, like Matt and the guy who looks like Ed Helms
Subject: Changes to TVG
From: CEO Pull the Pocket
I don't know many of your names because I usually watch HRTV, but I am stoked to be your new CEO. Woo!
My door will be open at all times, even to the little people who put the tanning bronze on Matt.
Everyone worries about layoffs when a new dude or dudette takes over but that won't happen. Why? Because we're gonna kick some horse racing ass. I have some new shows, camera angles and innovations planned. With them I'm sure we can crush Twinspires, then we'll crush Stronach, then we'll crush HRTV (that might be Stronach or Churchill or both, I never know, but rest assured they're on our crushing radar), and then we'll go after another network. If there are no other networks, we'll try and crush something else like the DRF or HANA.
In the end there will be TVG, and others who want to be TVG. TVG is gonna be the grand poo bah, and others are going to be junior little wee tiny poo bahs. Or something.
Without further delay, here are my plans. Let's go get em team TVG!
1. TVGTV: I am going to create a new video interface where we can watch several tracks at the same time, and sell PP's and power ratings and other neat stuff. I've been thinking about this for a couple of years. I think it's a winner. Here is my idea in beta:
2. Gelding Cam: What's up with these California trainers and regulators? Every time I watch a race some first time gelding wins and we have no freaking idea if they have the ol' family jewels or not. To cure this ill I immediately fit all horses with a small camera that will be placed between the legs to check for testicles, or no testicles. In the TVG studio Todd Schrupp will be scanning the video, comparing it to archival footage, and alerting horseplayers to which horses are, or are not, first time geldings. If Todd complains he has to look at cajones all day, screw 'em. I'm the boss.
3. New Show: "The First 112": You know that show on A&E where in the first 48 hours they solve a crime? This show will look at investigations by the Florida Racing Commission. It will follow, for example, a clenbuterol positive from testing, right through to the charging of the trainer, 112 months later. I think it will be riveting.
4. New Show: "Who Has Ray Paulick Pissed off This Week?": Every Friday from 11 to 11:30 someone who Ray Paulick has pissed off will come on to confront him. It could be a trainer, some dude who loves lasix, or the guy who runs a small midwestern track. This could make for must see TV.
5. Contest: The Price is Wrong - Trying to capitalize on the current game show craze, a new contest is created. At one minute to post a lucky caller is chosen to guess what the final odds will be at the second call. If they are right, they get the jackpot and a signed Chris Scherf t-shirt.
6. New Reality Show: "Dubai Dynasty" - This show follows Bob and Jill Baffert as they go about their day. Hilarity may ensue as they read emails by Andy Asaro, chat about Ray Paulick ..... and when Mark Verge shows up for dinner..... Food fight! I think this, with some luck, could become the highest rated non-scripted show on cable, and introduce horse racing to a whole new audience. This is a great example of the kind of outside the norm thinking I bring to TVG.
7. New Show: "Cell Phone" - This show follows a Louisiana trainer who gets caught with a class I positive. It chronicles his grueling 22 day suspension. It starts when he gets the bad news, to his taking the family on a trip to Tahiti where sits on the shore sipping Pina Colada's and trains via his cell phone. This may anger some horseplayers or regulators, but just wait for the episode where the guy falls asleep and gets a really bad sunburn that ruins one full day of his suspension. Payback!
8. New Feature: "You Make the Call" - This new feature shows tape from a racetrack where, for example, herding takes place. Callers have to try and identify the track based on the stewards decision. Is it herding if it's at Penn National, Belmont or Santa Anita, or not? Prizes will be given and it's sure to be fun.
9. New Show: "CaliFire" - In one corner we have TOC head Mike Pegram. In the other, horseplayer pain in the ass Andy Asaro. For a half hour they discuss betting, takeout and handle. At the end of the episode the studio audience votes the winner. I know what you're saying, Pegram is in trouble. Well to even it out we allow him to pass out free 6 packs of McNuggets during commercial breaks. Let's face it, some people love McNuggets and it could sway the vote.
10. New Employee Incentive Program "The Race" - This new feature is sure to be a winner. Each time TVG does not show a race live, or pre-empts a harness race for a nw of $50 per start since the Clinton Administration $2,000 claimer at Los Alamitos, a TVG employee is docked $50 in pay. I toyed with the idea of having a trap door shoot the anchor out into the parking lot, but when I saw what you crazy people have to pay for workers comp in California, I nixed it.
I'm honored to be your new CEO fellow employees. Let's roll!